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LANGUAGE AND CULTURE

Wet the doughnut: Ten hilarious Spanish expressions to refer to sex 

When it comes to matters of a sexual nature, the Spanish language is every bit as creative as you’d imagine.

Wet the doughnut: Ten hilarious Spanish expressions to refer to sex 
Expect to hear plenty of Spanish sex innuendos in the 1992 semi-erotic drama film 'Jamón, Jamón', starring a young Javier Bardem and Penélope Cruz (left). Photo: Lola Films

While rustic themes get a surprising amount of coverage — trip to the vegetable garden, anyone? — some of these Spanish phrases for hanky panky are downright weird.

TO KICK UP DUST: ECHAR UN POLVO

If you want to get down and dirty with someone, then it could well be time to echar un polvo, or have a good old-fashioned shag as Austin Powers would say. Saddle up folks.

Photo: Andrew Foster/Pexels

TO GO ON THE ICE CREAM CONE DIET: LA DIETA DEL CUCURUCHO

 La dieta del cucurucho, as it is called in Spanish, is usually followed by the words comer poco, follar mucho (Eat little, have plenty of sex). Whether eating wafer biscuits while engaging in tantric sex is scientifically proven to help weight loss we don’t know, but this funny rhyming expression is used a lot by Spaniards when joking about an effective way of dieting.

Photo: Steve Buissinne/Pixabay

TO THROW THE JUNK AT SOMEONE: TIRARLE LOS TRASTOS A ALGUIEN

It might sound a tad aggressive but tirar los trastos a alguien actually means to flirt with someone in colloquial Spanish. Where the reference to chucking old furniture at someone you like comes from, we don’t know.

Photo: Noam Galai/Getty Images for WarnerMedia Company/AFP

TO SHOW SOMEONE WHERE CUENCA IS: PONER A ALGUIEN MIRANDO A CUENCA

This quintessentially Spanish expression refers to having sex with someone ‘doggy style’. Some sources say King Philip The Handsome of Spain (1478-1506) had an observatory built for him to look out at cities surrounding Madrid on the horizon. It also doubled up as a love nest where he could keep his affairs hidden away from his wife Juana The Mad. As he escorted one young lady up the tower, he reportedly told guards la voy a poner mirando a Cuenca.

Others disregard this claim and say instead that the mirando a Cuenca expression has its origins in the Spanish city’s Muslim past, and how those praying to Mecca (on their knees) in Madrid would position their bodies to the east, looking towards Cuenca. 

Photo: José Jordan/AFP

TO WET THE DOUGHNUT: MOJAR EL CHURRO

Yes, churros: those long, thick doughnut sticks Spaniards and foreigners alike love to dunk in chocolate and put in their mouths. Like most stick-shaped food, churros are euphemistically used to describe a man’s Johnson.  ‘Mojar el churro’ means to have sex.

Photo: Sami Keinänen/Flickr

TO TAKE SOMEONE TO THE VEGETABLE GARDEN: LLEVAR A ALGUIEN AL HUERTO

It may sound similar to taking a roll in the hay as the saying goes, but ‘llevar a alguien al huerto’ more specifically means to convince someone to have sex with you. 

Photo: Candid Shots/Pixabay

TO MAKE ONESELF A STRAW : HACERSE UNA PAJA

Despite what you might think, hacerse una paja doesn’t have anything to do with building a straw house. Instead this is one of the most common slang expressions for masturbation.

Photo: Vlad Chețan/Pexels

TO RUB THE SPRING ONION: FROTAR LA CEBOLLETA

No brownie points for guessing what the veg is meant to represent. Frotar (or) arrimar la cebolleta is an expression used to describe close physical contact between two people, kind of like dry humping.

Photo: Iakovos Hatzistavrou / AFP

TO CHUCK A HELMET: ECHAR UN CASQUETE

A variant of ‘to kick up dust’, to echar un casquete means something along the lines of having a quickie. Suffice to say it’s not the most romantic expression for sex ever, in Spanish or in any other language. 

Photo: István Péter Kis/Pixabay

TO PLAY THE ‘ZAMBOMBA’ DRUM: DARLE A LA ZAMBOMBA

Once you witness someone playing this bizarre friction drum that’s used a lot in local festivals and at Christmas in Spain, it isn’t hard to understand why some people use is as expression for the act of self-pleasuring.

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SPANISH LANGUAGE

¡Me cago en! Seven things Spaniards verbally defecate on 

Barça’s Gerard Piqué stained his farewell match by getting sent off after telling the ref “I crap on your b*tch mother”. As harsh as it may sound, this kind of swearing is far from uncommon in Spain. Here’s what else Spaniards verbally defecate on.

¡Me cago en! Seven things Spaniards verbally defecate on 

Profanities are both routine and widely accepted in most social situations in Spain.  

Whether it’s mierda (shit), coño (c**t) or puta (bitch), pretty much anything goes.

Swear words tend not to carry as much clout as they do in English, so much so that calling someone a clown (payaso) or an imbecile (imbécil) can often cause more offence.

Not everyone in Spain has a potty mouth though, so don’t feel obliged to start hurling palabrotas (swear words) to sound like a local. It also depends on how the obscenity is delivered. 

READ ALSO: How to ‘swear’ politely in Spanish

One of the most colourful habits Spaniards have when it comes to swearing is the expression me cago en… (I shit/crap on…). They use it to express frustration or anger about something, or if it is followed by the possessive adjective tu (your), it’s more likely to be an insult directed at someone.

Although what you choose to verbally defecate on is completely up to you, there are some particularly evocative expressions that Spaniards use very often. 

I crap in the milk – Me cago en la leche

As weird and off-putting as this may sound, Spaniards ‘crap in milk’ a lot. It’s a bit like saying ‘shit’ or ‘damn’ to express disappointment about something.

I crap on the Virgin – Me cago en la Virgen

As you will see in this list, blasphemy and defecation go hand in hand, and as the Virgin Mary is important to Catholic Spain, she often gets brought up. Spaniards also ‘crap’ on the Almighty when saying me cago en Dios.

I crap on the sacramental bread – Me cago en la hostia 

Shouting ¡hostia! (communion wafer!), as in the host that Catholics eat during mass, is part and parcel of the daily lingo in Spain when something surprises or angers you. With that in mind, it’s logical that Spaniards also express their intent to crap on sacramental bread when they get frustrated.  

I crap on your dead relatives – Me cago en tus muertos

Here’s where things start to get personal. Verbally defecating on someone’s ancestors is a way to let them know that you’re very disappointed with them. Again, it all depends on the context, but more often than not it won’t cause too much offence, especially if they deserve it. 

I crap on your molars – Me cago en tus muelas

If you don’t want to mention the person’s deceased family members, you can avoid this by instead crapping on their molar teeth. It’s a euphemism given that muelas (molars) and muertos (dead people) start with the same syllable.

I crap in the salty sea – Me cago en la mar salada

We know what you’re thinking, as if the sea needed any more toxic waste dropping into it. This poetic expression is another euphemism, this time to avoid expressing what Gerard Piqué said about someone’s madre (mother), which could well be considered the worst insult in Spain. 

READ MORE: What’s the worst possible insult in the Spanish language?

I crap on your bitch mother – Me cago en tu puta madre

It’s not a mental image anyone of us wants but bizarrely this is a widely used insult in Spain. People also replace the madre (mother) with padre (father), although they usually drop the puta for that. Remember that this is an offensive expression in most people’s eyes and it could involve an unpleasant reaction. Saying me cago en la puta (I crap on the bitch) is different as it’s not aimed at someone’s mother. 

READ ALSO: ¡Joder! An expert guide to correctly using the F-word in Spanish

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