We all know that you want to be in a long distance relationship about as much as you want to accidentally spit in someone's face when talking to them. But then you get sucked into the glorious honeymoon phase with a fine young man who persuades you that it can all be different if, just this time, you'll give it a try.
So here is the good, bad and the ugly of long distance relationships.
No need for one of these if you are loving from afar. Photo: Worak / Flickr
You can look like a yeti and he'll never know
There is nothing more satisfying than the repeated luxury you have to let your bic razor rust on the side of the bath. I don't care what any magazine says about maintaining yourself for your own confidence. What crap. If I ain't getting action, the forest can grow so wild that I would consider writing a folk song about it. The only issue you'll have is wearing short dresses in the baking sun of summer here, but counteract that with long, loose fitting moo-moos. I hear they are so in (or something, I should really read fashion blogs more, or at all).
You don't have to do shit for someone else
As a woman, I have been guilty of getting a bit mumsy from time to time when in the same postcode as my fella. By this I mean finding myself after a few months getting way too familiar with offering to cook and clean more than my 50 perceentshare. Not very feminist, I know. But when he is hundreds of miles away (or thousands in some cases), I am free as a bird to lie on the sofa, look gross and eat biscuits.
You communicate more
Who doesn't love the four hour skype? If you are a woman worth her salt you absolutely set up the lighting to make you look less dog tired at 10pm. Your laptop gets hot from the hours it spends on charge, you share things you wouldn't dream of talking to someone about in person. You take poo breaks that you tell him are just for a wee. You send each other useless youtube videos you laugh at and instantly forget. Isn't love grand? (slow clap)
Forget about looking glamorous if you are flying budget. Screenshot: Indecent Proposal
You're so horny
When only the slightest jolt of the train/bus/metro in the morning gets you off, it's time to book a flight. I don't care how creative you think you are at keeping the spice alive. No phone. Ever. Can replace the real thing. If anything it's all a bit awkward as no man who isn't David Beckham can do sexy-face in photos. It just looks godawful and everyone suffers from it. It's like they are in their kitchen, leaning against that wall, and in all honesty think they are nailing the shot. The new trend for the female pout face is not much better ladies. I don't care how much you can extend your arm on your selfie.
In a long distance relationship, we travel alone. We're not bringing our mates along for obvious reasons. We also would like to save on travel so when we book our flights we go Easyjet or if we are really tight fisted, Ryanair. We want to bask in the pre-coital glow of the imminent trip, but end up wanting to gouge our eyes out with a spoon once boarding the flight. All preconceived notions about arriving looking like Demi Moore in a 90's sexy thriller are quashed by Croque Monsiers, a strict one bag limit and 6 euro wines. There is always someone in front of you in the queue for the gate who shouts at the flight attendant when she forces them to jam their handbag in their already jam lacked hand luggage.You arrive wasted from overpriced booze and in the foetal position.
People's inane questions and comments about you being in a long distance relationship
People know best. Or so they think. If one more person tells you it never works out, you are going to give them a good old slap. FAQs include, Do you have a plan? Have you heard the statistics of how often it works out? Responses should include... Have you heard the statistic about how interfering in other people's relationships shows a deep down need to go out and get one of your bloody own? or... Has anyone told you opinions are like assholes and everyone has one?
Selfies from the beach won't help. Photo: Sasha Asenslo / Flickr
Sometimes you really don't wanna talk
I have already mentioned how communication thrives when doing long distance, however, sometimes you would rather not chat about your extremely average day. A typical conversation goes as followed:
Me: Whatcha doin?
Him: Just had dinner. You?
Me: Me too. I'm tired though. The bus took ages to get home. What are you up to?
Him: Nothing, just washing up and maybe gonna watch the new episode of Game of Thrones.
Kill me now. I'm serious. Kill me now.
Yes, this definitely earned its spot under ugly. Even the most confident of ladies when faced with the stress of a concerning influx of social media posts of him out and about without you can send your head into a spin. He might be as trustworthy as WebMD is at telling you you probably have cancer, but we all get a little insecure sometimes. At best, you bury the green monster deep down inside and act like you are as solid as an ox. At worst, you carpet bomb him with late night vino filled WhatsApp messages showing how needy you really are.
I was just a little sick in my mouth writing the above as I believe it represents much of what's wrong with the world. This newly coined abbreviation meaning 'Fear of Missing Out' is often applied to when you are too hungover or broke to go out with your mates. Multiply that feeling by onehundred and that's how atrocious FOMO feels from afar. The real crux will be who has the better living situation at that moment in time. If you are the one in Spain living it up, his FOMO may eclipse yours seeing your bikini shots on the beach with a glass of sangria surrounded by your laughing, tanned, young, carefree friends. He on the other hand, is at the pub with an overpriced beer sulking whilst surrounded by, nobody.
Sally Fazakerley is a British woman in her early 30s who has been living in Madrid since 2010. After finishing her degree in Psychology she moved to Spain to teach and sing in a band while undertaking an unofficial psychological study of Spanish men.
Photo: Yasmin Alnajjar / @yasminagraphy